1st year in Singapore

First met myself at 23

By AnhPhuong

May 1^st, 2020

Dear Nate,

1 year in Singapore. Still very much a fool. But started learning to love myself – so far so good.

I didn’t know what pinched me this afternoon and made me realize: it has been 1 year since I’ve arrived in Singapore. I flipped through the pages of my journals, through the letters I wrote but never sent, all the blog posts never published, and tears flooded my eyes. I’ve never ever talked so much to myself. I’ve never ever changed so much.

I’ve changed my hair (it got shortened 4 times), my body (lost, gain, then back to normal), my temperament (the art of idgaf), some traits (money management, responsibility, patience) – then to learn how to be unapologetically who I am. I was depressed, lost, haunted, until I was content, found, present, and felt like I was awake for the first time.

Thanks to the huge amount of monologue content almost weekly, I could quickly trace the journey of this past year onto a graph. I also make a living drawing graphs.

The red period was the first 6 months. The huge amount of effort it takes to maintain life outside of work/school, like paying bills on time, knowing your lease contract, and getting a bank account – I was made to learn that you can’t deprioritize it. For the first time there was no mum and dad, no classmates, no physical boyfriend that somehow magically get it done for you. I was too spoiled and never knew it – I thought I was smart and independent, but I was in a bubble. I missed my first month salary and was living on credit card.

The shock of learning that I was much worse than I thought, it eroded my self-confidence at work. And then out of work, it led to breaking up with the boy that I thought I’d end up with – newsflash, people who hate themselves are not super attractive, and marketing is a job that needs self-confidence.

So, I failed at everything, and I had no friends nor roommates to talk and relieve with. There were weeks I went on without talking a personal topic to any soul. There were weeks I went to work in a taxi because crying in the metro would attract attention. Spent 2 nights in Singapore hospital. I was lonely and despised myself too much to feel like I deserve help, then finally I turned off my brain and went on autopilot mode to numb what I was feeling.

i felt very silly - my grandma and granddad were war journalist and nurse - here i am crying over checking into ER myself - still, for me it was the deep deep bottom

Then four things happened and changed my course. 1) I had my first 1:1 with my boss. He made me realize that I didn’t suck that much. 2) I visited Dim in Danang. We spent a whole night talking, and I felt heard for the first time. 3) I stumbled across a Maya Angelou’s quote “Today is beautiful, I’ve never seen it before” – and I stopped thinking about giving up on living 4) And you, my dear Nate. You had never stopped making it known that I am appreciated and loved, but that time in Ho Chi Minh City when both of us cried on each other’s shoulders it finally sunk in me.

It was like looking at new mirror for the first time in so long, thanks to the voices of people important to me.

[So to summarize: seek help. Your inner thoughts once get poisoned will need a cure from the outside. You will mostly likely learn that people take your mistakes less seriously than they appreciate your efforts]

Then the green part of the graph starts.

I officially had short hair for the first time in 20 years. My boss gave me an eCom assignment that gave me same-age friends. I started going to the gym again. I stopped eating out too much and replaced restaurant food with my own, all healthy and Vietnamese. I lifted my own bed and desk and moved it around to love my home better. I also learned to ignore people and things who were unkind and unrelated to my goals.

Net, it was intentionally choosing myself above anything else. In the early part of the journey I met a boy, but instead of quickly grabbing a chance out of loneliness, I chose to avoid potential upheaval and stayed focus on myself (VERY UNLIKE ME PEOPLE).

hair got shorter and shorter as life got better =))

My body and mind got healed slowly every day to finally get to a state that I really want to stay in: balanced and present. There won’t all be perfect days. But there will always be an outcome: choose to be a happier and matured self every time.

I’ve decided to write this public letter to you, for whoever kids that also just started being on their own in life know that it gets better. Thank you for being in this journey with me. Onto the next.

So to summarize: seek help. Your inner thoughts once get poisoned will need a cure from the outside. You will mostly likely learn that people take your mistakes less seriously than they appreciate your efforts.